Editorial: August 1997 - COP Fest 1997


My faithful lackey and I decided one fine July weekend to hop the latest mishap in US aerospace engineering, called an airplane down to the gracious Bay Area to experience what was being dubbed the COP Festival Originally this event was supposed to have occurred over two days. The first event was to have taken place on Friday at the Labyrinth (Maritime Hall) and was to feature Battery, The Razor Skyline (Seattle), Soil & Eclipse (Hawaii). While the second event was to have taken place at So What! (Maritime Hall) and was to feature Deathline International, Slave Unit, Pulse Legion (L.A.).

Lucky for me my little net gremlins had informed me prior to departure that the Friday festivities were cancelled because Labyrinth has lost their claim to the venue. Instead there was a private COP party to occur at an unnamed club somewhere in San Francisco. So upon arrival at the less than spectacular airport in San Jose, I hopped on my portable communicator, otherwise known as a cell phone, and started probing my information gathering network for the location. With luck, a series of phone calls with Agent Mark27 of Terminal revealed that the secret location of the soiree was none other than Baby's Lounge located across the street from Maritime Hall.

So my faithful whipping boy DJ Omega and I braved the merciless freeway, also known as the 101 bound for hell, up to the city. Around 10pm we stalked our way past Baby's Lounge only to hear the strained voices of karaoke ventilating from the establishment. My immediate response was that my secret agent contacts were actual double agents working for some sick Japanese mind control organization. After swearing and kicking things for a second, a couple of street urchins asked us if we were going to Labyrinth that evening. We replied, "No, they lost their lease!" in as impolite a manner as possible. DJ Omega then proceeded to mock the karaoke music coming from the bar by performing a falsetto version of Under The Noise's 'Sun'. This illicited a giggle from a certain yet to be named street urchin that made no sense so he continued making fun of the music.

Suddenly out of nowhere, but who should appear, but Santa and his eight tiny... erm rivet-heads clothed in bondage gear. I mean, Kim X herself, dragging behind her a certain owner of COP International, known as Christian, and a certain War-N Harrison of Of Skin and Saliva.. and Fishtank No. 9. We exchanged brief hellos as I dodged the incoming motorcycle driven by IoEjekta, (Agent Mark27's secret contact with the COP inner circle. I also noticed out of the corner of my eye, that the street urchins seemed to be on a first name basis with Kim and Christian.

After a few seconds of both looking and acting stupid, I realized that those urchins were not urchins at all. Instead there were some of the members of Pulse Legion and Imbue. The giggling urchin was none other than Ric Nagel (formerly of Under The Noise), who was reacting to DJ Omega's mocking of a song which he helped write. *OOPS*

So we all proceeded to introduce each other and find out the karaoke bar was our intended secret rendezvous. After recovering from the shock, we all entered the bar very carefully. At first the locals acted a bit hesitantly to the crowd of leather clad warriors who entered their place of joyous music. However after ordering more more alcohol in one round than the regulars do in a single night, they warmed up quite nicely.

It only seemed to take a few beers, and a few more COP arrivals before one of the members of Soil & Eclipse took the microphone and belted out the first karaoke tune of the evening. Before long all kinds of people started contributing to the musical frenzy. War-N performed more than his fair share of back-up vocals while the Soil & Eclipse boys showed off their incredible voices with heart melting renditions of "Tie a Yellow Ribbon around the Old Oak Tree'.

Somewhere during the middle of the evening, Desmond Crisis (of CNET Central fame) and his Cyber Patrol showed up. So when the crowd complained about a lousy selection of music to sing along with, he ran to his car and drug in quite a selection of music. With in seconds a Depeche Mode CD was thrown into the karaoke machine and a suitable victim was singing along. Needless to say the mood of the entire event was irrevocably changed. The rest of the evening all ran together with more people joining in on the fun as the alcohol and sleep deprivation set in. Needless to say it was an event that no one in attendance was likely to forget.


After recovering from the festivities during the previous evening, my slave and I proceeded to spend more than our fair share of cold hard cash on the cities best hookers... erm... import CD's. After walking or driving across far too many California roads we decided to head to the venue around 8pm to try and sneak in and perform interviews with COP bands before the show.

We arrived so early to the venue that not only only did we beat most of the bands but we even beat the sound guy. Of course the sound guy didn't show up until 15 minutes before the doors of the club were supposed to open, but we needn't get into any sordid commentary about that. After waiting around for quite some time I managed to corral Count Zero and the rest of the Deathline International gang for a short conversation.

I initiated the digital recording device and sucked the souls of all four artists onto the magnetic media I kept in my pocket. After they took a moment to recover from the whole gruesome experience we proceed to have a nice little interview about COP, Deathline, touring and the secret identities of certain highly placed record executives. Needless to say portions of the interview had to be edited to protect the innocent and save millions of lives, well maybe just two.

Next my pet rock and I hunted down the Slave Unit crew with the DLI agents performed their sound check. We then interrogated the five member hit squad for times and locations of their next brutal assault on the innocent civilians of city of San Francisco. They pointed out the fact that it was going to be in this very building and that they would be sharing in the genocide with their fellow agents. The names of these code named convert black operations projects were Soil & Eclipse, Pulse Legion, Slave Unit and Deathline International. It appeared that we had stumbled onto a major musical conspiracy which was occurring at our very location and we had scooped all of the other intelligence agencies.

Armed with my trusty video surveillance equipment I quickly ended the debriefing and started to record snapshots of the event to save as future training devices on how to properly commit mass musical assassinations. Needless to say the evenings performances were nothing less than stellar. Both Soil & Eclipse & Pulse Legion has not performed any such events outside of their home jurisdiction so they were very enthused to be able to bring their unique form of musical anguish to the assembled sheep... erm... audience who were waiting to be slaughtered.

My poor excuse for a shadow and I then networked the crowd, picking out all of the other musical intelligence agents on-site. It appears that this was an unofficial convention where everyone was learning how to commit similar massacres themselves. The oddest coincidence of the evening was running into one of the co-owners of the Metropolis Records network who admitted to having lived in and bugged the building I used to occupy during my formative training years in the countries best educational institutions. My it is a small world indeed in the musical intelligence community.


The next morning arrived much too quickly for the satisfaction of my trusty venereal disease. However we had places to be and governments to overthrow. At the previous evenings festivities we had been given a secret document that mentioned the location of yet another covert meeting. This time the fraternal organization involved was none other than Brunch Line Assembly and the propaganda on the pamphlet suggested there was to be a battle occurring between the BLA crew and the mysterious COP organization who funded most of the weekend's social events.

Armed with our trusty new sidekick Agent cvoid, my evil twin and I set off to Berkeley for a tasty bite to eat. Upon arrival a number of the denizens of the musical intelligence community were already stuffing their face with an assortment of unmentionable chemicals. I managed to acquire some video hard copies of the event with hopes of identifying some of the mind altering chemicals at a later date. Unbeknownst to me, someone let loose a light virus which invaded my video equipment thereby destroying most of the photographic evidence. Including rare video stills of the infamous Kim X and co-conspirator Christian.

Exhausted and worn out from our fact finding mission, we dropped Agent cvoid off at Desmond Crisis' secret laboratory and headed off to catch our flight out of the Bay Area and back to our own secret lairs. Needless to say we had a very enjoyable weekend rubbing elbows with all the top secret personas in the underground at the same time while collecting valuable data which we have chosen to disseminate through this publication. So enjoy the articles before a variety of governmental attack squads perform a raid on this site to wipe out their proprietary data.



[Sonic Boom]

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